The Moment It Hit Me

2009-04-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

Feel like using the bathroom???

2009-04-01T08:41:00.001-07:00

OUR NATIONAL DEBT!!!

2009-03-02T22:38:00.000-08:00

03/02/09 Best Place to Shop for Clothes & such, online.

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Click HERE ...

2009-01-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll

try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same .
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe : "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

2008-12-28T23:34:00.000-08:00

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it!"

2008-12-09T21:06:00.000-08:00

NOAH TODAY

2008-11-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln,
1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class,
you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper:
'Fuck the Indians'
''Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks
'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone
said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child
witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was
the American people, November 4th, 2008".

2008-11-15T15:10:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says,
'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing un til I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

2008-11-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

To my friends who enjoy a cold beer or a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
That if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or Vodka, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol

Has to go through a purification process

Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better

To drink beer & wine, and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service

2008-11-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells. I finally feel safe in my own home!!!

This on my Christmas list prior to weapons being seized by the new Admin!!

2008-10-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

GUN CONTROL

2008-09-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

In case of another Hurricane:
Evacuation Plans for Houston

Houston Hurricane Evacuation Plans
City Officials just announced the Houston hurricane evacuation plan
today:

Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette .

Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio .

Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas .

Republicans fly Continental First Class to Washington DC .

Yankees & Democrats use 45 South to Galveston . (very important)

Longhorns use 290 West to Austin .

Aggies use the 610 Loop

2008-09-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

The brain is an amazing organ!

Ah, for those of us who can read the

following passage.-----If you can read the following paragraph, forward it

on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the

subject line.!

Only great minds can read this.

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in

waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht
the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if yo u can

raed tihs forwrad it.

2008-09-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

So true (143 days)

This cuts through the crap and zeroes in on the gut issue quickly! Are we all aboard the USS Ship of Fools? Makes me wonder!

The first time I read this quote, I thought it was dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would this apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how absurd it is.
You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience.
You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon
.
You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience.
You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience.
You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.
BUT....
'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate.
That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public seems to feel comfortable with this and campaigning for him.

We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are OK with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol.

2008-09-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law'.

2008-08-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

Interesting comparison.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table .. everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be.... quiet, serene and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see.
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'Old Glory' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

2008-08-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Do you have what it takes to be a WalMart Greeter?

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell, no, they ain't twins.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the Greeter. ' I just
couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

2008-08-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Encore Presentation of this letter from a Mother of a soldier

Letter from one 'Angry Woman'

I don't know who wrote it but they should have signed it. Some powerful words. This woman should run for president.

Written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like it! This is one ticked off lady.

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated' when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for chopping off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide .

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care..

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem' -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add AND.......I hope you forward all this.

'If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.' Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: 'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.'

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM.

AMEN!

2008-08-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

This is why we love Texans ...

Texans get right to the point and most of the time, what they say is correct.

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX., was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say:

Red is positive,

Black is negative,

Make sure his balls are wet."

2008-08-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it
won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.

The local paper
read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with
this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the
bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey.

The pastor
decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing
of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for
$10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR
$10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the ! plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next
day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion
can bring
you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

So be
yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

Have a nice
day!

2008-08-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

: Blond Joke

This one is funny!

A guy walks in and sits down at the end of the bar. Just a few seats down
from him, there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 44DD breasts.

The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the
bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes
over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.

Each time he calls for a beer this happens. So after his third beer, he
decides to help the bartender out. The next ti me the bartender hits her
boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts....AND SHE DECKS
HIM!!!.

He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez...then why do you let
the bartender do it?"

Get ready...here it comes.........

5
4
3
2
1...

"Because, duh" says the blonde, "he has a licker license !"

2008-08-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

Subject: Will I Turn 80?

I recently turned 62 and had to choose a new primary care physician
for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him
'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'

'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a shit?

2008-07-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

PLEASE HELP SUPPORT ANTI-TERRORISM

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Muslims, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America .

2008-07-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

Windfall Tax on Retirement Income

Adding a tax to your retirement is simply another way
of saying to the American people, you're so darn stupid
that we're going to keep doing this until we drain every
cent from you. That's what the Speaker of the House is
saying. Read below . . ..

Nancy Pelosi wants a Windfall Tax on Retirement Income.
In other words tax what you have made by investing
toward your retirement. This woman is a nut case! You
aren't going to believe this.

Madam speaker Nancy Pelosi wants to put a Windfall Tax
on all stock market profits (including Retirement fund,
401K and Mutual Funds! Alas, it is true - all to help the
12 Million Illegal Immigrants and other unemployed
Minorities!

This woman is frightening.
She quotes . . . 'We need to work toward the goal of
equalizing income, (didn't Marx say something like this),
in our country and at the same time limiting the amount
the rich can invest.' (I am not rich, are you?)

When asked how these new tax dollars would be spent,
she replied: 'We need to raise the standard of living of
our poor, unemployed and minorities. For example, we
have an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in our
country who need our help along with millions of
unemployed minorities. Stock market windfall profits
taxes could go a long way to guarantee these people
the standard of living they would like to have as
'Americans'.'
(R ead that quote again and again and let it sink in.
'Lower your retirement, give it to others who have not
worked as you have for it'.

I don't know about you but if I want to give away my retirement to the poor, illegal aliens or any one else......I want the privilege of doing so myself. This gets scarier and scarier by the minute!

2008-07-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
acro ss was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, bo th nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of th e fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to
know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

MEMBER

2008-07-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

View my page on PickensPlan

Pickens Knows Energy and atleast he's got a PLAN

2008-07-10T13:24:00.001-07:00

Visit PickensPlan

2008-07-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Interesting Read:

----- Original Message ----- While this may rankle some of us , we nevertheless need to read and understand what folks like this guy are telling us........do we want a robust , strong economy or not !! Don't get mad at me, I did not write this.

Bill Phillips spent nearly 50 years in the US oil and gas industry; most of his career was with the Phillips Petroleum Company.

Bill is a descendant of Frank Phillips. Frank Phillips, along with his brother Lee Eldas (L.E.) Phillips, Sr., founded the original Phillips Petroleum Company in 1917 in Bartlesville, OK. Do you remember Phillips 66 gas stations? Phillips Petroleum Company merged with Conoco, Inc. in 2002 to form the current ConocoPhillips oil company.

So, when Bill talks about oil and gas issues, I tend to listen - very closely. I think that you will find Bill's thoughts and facts very revealing, very compelling and very difficult to argue with.

___________________________________________

May 28, 2008

'Big Oil'

Did you know that the United States does NOT have any big oil companies. It's true: the largest American oil company, Exxon Mobil, is only the 14th largest in the world, and is dwarfed by the really big oil companies--all owned by foreign governments or government-sponsored monopolies--that dominate the world's oil supply.

With 94% of the world's oil supply locked up by foreign governments, most of which are hostile to the United States, the relatively puny American oil companies do not have access to enough crude oil to significantly affect the market and help bring prices down.

Thus, ExxonMobil, a 'small' oil company, buys 90% of the crude oil that it refines for the U.S. market from the big players, i.e, mostly-hostile foreign governments. The price at the U.S. pump is rising because the price the big oil companies charge ExxonMobil and the other small American companies for crude oil is going up as the value of the American dollar goes down. They will eventually bleed this country into printing even more money and we will go into runway inflation once again as we did under the Carter Democratic reign.

This is obviously a tough situation for the American consumer. The irony is that it doesn't have to be that way. The United States--unlike, say, France--actually has vast petroleum reserves. It would be possible for American oil companies to develop those reserves, play a far bigger role in international markets, and deliver gas at the pump to American consumers at a much lower price, while creating many thousands of jobs for Americans. This would be infinitely preferable to shipping endless billions of dollars to Saudi Arabia, Russia and Venezuela to be used in propping up their economies.

So, why doesn't it happen? Because the Democrat Party--aided, sadly, by a handful of Republicans--deliberately keeps gas prices high and our domestic oil companies small by putting most of our reserves off limits to development. China is now drilling in the Caribbean, off Cuba, but our own companies are barred by law from developing large oil fields off the coasts of Florida and California. Enormous oil-shale deposits in the Rocky Mountain states could go a long way toward supplying American consumers' needs, but the Democratic Congress won't allow those resources to be developed. ANWR contains vast petroleum reserves, but we don't know how vast, because Congress, not wanting the American people to know how badly its policies are hurting our economy, has made it illegal to explore and map those reserves, let alone develop them.

In short, all Americans are paying a terrible price for the Democratic Party's perverse energy policies. I own some small interests in tiny, 4 barrel-per-day oil wells in Wyoming. We have 14 agencies that have iron-hand jurisdiction over us. If we drop any oil on the ground when the refinery truck comes to pick up oil from our holding tanks, we are fined. Yet down the road the state will spray thousands of gallons of used oil on a dirt road to control dirt. When it rains that oil runs into rivers and creeks. Yet a cup of oil on the ground at our wellhead is a $50,000 EPA fine, plus additional fines from state regulating agencies. They treat oil as if it were plutonium that has the potential to leak into the environment.

We are fined if our dirt berms are not high enough around a holding tank, yet the truck that picks up our oil runs down the road at 60 mph with no berm around it. People wonder why there is no more exploration in this country. It's because of the regulators; people who have lived their whole lives doing nothing but imposing fines on small operators like us for doing mostly nothing.

So, America enjoy your $4.00 per gallon gasoline. Your dollar is now worth 0.62 Euro-Cents. The lack of American production of GNP, the massive trade deficit (as labor markets have moved overseas to fight insanely high union-imposed labor costs in America) and the run-away printing of money (backed by nothing of value here in America) has caused the dollar to become more worthless on the international market.

And that's where our oil comes from. It's paid for with dollars that become more worthless everyday. If we had just kept par with the Euro, we'd be paying $62 dollars per barrel for oil (42 gallons) or about $1.50 instead of $2.50 a gallon for crude oil.

What the US government also does not tell you is that it is the leaseholder and royalty recipient of most oil production receives 75% of the gross oil sales before we pay for electricity to lift the oil and propane to keep the oil-water separators from freezing in the winters. We pay a pumper to visit each well everyday plus we have equipment failures all the time. We pay for that out of our 75% of gross sales. The government does not share in any expenses to run any production well.

So, if the Big Oil Companies are making record profits, then so is the federal government from it's 25% tax on every molecule of oil sold to a refinery in this country. Why isn't the government on the stand for 'Record' profits? What you don't see is that 25% of the sales price of crude oil is being siphoned away by the government. That money, plus the road taxes, state taxes, etc. amounts to over $1 per gallon of gasoline you are buying while the governments only admit to about 50 cents per gallon.

To all you Democrats, when you go vote for your candidate, a blazing liberal like Barrack Hussein Obama or Hillary Clinton, just keep in mind that their liberal spending habits will further decrease the value of the American dollar on the world market and your gasoline costs will hike even higher. As they introduce more give-away programs, raise taxes on everyone to pay people not to produce or work, your dollar will continue to dwindle on the world market and you will be paying $10.00 per gallon at the next election.

Cheap hydrocarbon fuel is all over. Enjoy! Enjoy the fruits of your decision to elect these folks when you are there in that voting booth and you stab your pin through a Democrat's name.

William 'Bill' Phillips
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also strongly suggest visiting "The Pickens Plan"..

2008-07-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER .........

Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

2008-06-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

ZIPPER

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the young woman became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg she tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and still was unable to make the step up.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I just kinda figured we was
friends.'

2008-06-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

IMPORTANT TO BE AWARE OF...!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/ausguns.asp
Australian Gun Law Update

Here's a thought to warm some of your hearts...

From: Ed Chenel, A police officer in Australia

Hi Yanks, I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under.

It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced

by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by

our own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars.

The first year results are now in:

Australia-wide, homicides are up 6.2 percent,

Australia-wide, assaults are up 9.6 percent;

Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!

In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent.

(Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!)

While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.

There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly, while the resident is at home.

Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in 'successfully ridding Australian society of guns.' You won't see this on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the State Assembly disseminating this information.

The Australian experience speaks for itself. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens.

Take note Americans, before it's too late!

2008-06-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by

a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in

attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It

looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this

the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!

I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she

proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,

"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't you just love military time?)

2008-06-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with

2008-05-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Amazing Story....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986 Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

2008-05-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 35-40 years or so, getting younger every day
Until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy. Everyone is so proud when you burp out loud. When you pass gas or soil your pants, well that's another reason for celebration.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

2008-05-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

AARP SURVEYQ: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who
are
interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old
husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant..

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these

2008-05-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

2008-05-02T13:05:00.001-07:00

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderlyJack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

2008-04-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Junk Mail Help:by Andy Rooney

When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ad s' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage w as around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

2008-04-05T09:12:00.001-07:00

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote,

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

2008-04-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

Read down to the very bottom in italics and BOLD , IT'LL GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS!!!

You don't want to miss this! ((*_*))

VERY INTERESTING-

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of
civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel

10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq
(Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the 'writing on the wall' in Iraq

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ...

17. The wise men were from Iraq .

18. Peter preached in Iraq ..

19. The 'Empire of Man' described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a
city in Iraq!

And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.
But do you know which nation is second?
It is Iraq !
However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.

The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia .... The word Mesopotamia means 'between the two rivers,' more exactly
between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers .

The name Iraq , means 'country with deep roots.'

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated
with it than Iraq

And also, This is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an
eagle, Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;
And there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq ..

2008-03-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

Subj: Globalization

Finally, here is a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which
I can relate...

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer :
An English princess with
>
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a
German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by

a Pollock,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals...

That, my friends, is Globalization

2008-03-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

Couples golf is so much fun!

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife 'Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.' The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said 'That's OK, Sweetheart' and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, 'Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole.' To which she replied, 'Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.'

2008-03-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

Media bias?

A Biker's Story

A motorcyclist is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and
tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir,
this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in da nger, and I acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed . I'm a journalist, you know,
and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do
you ride?"

"A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

2008-03-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Cajuns aint dumb

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to kansas where he bought him donkey
from

an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next

day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some
bad
news, the donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "jus' give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him"

"I'm gon to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dat where you wrong!! You wait an' you learn how smart we Cajuns
are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with
that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and
made

$998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won.

So I gave him his two dollars back."

2008-02-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

Best Short Story of 2007!

A three-year-old boy was examining
his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

2008-02-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

How to Shower - Man vs Woman

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you encounter husband, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do : more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower.

15. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

12. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off - Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on her pillow.

2008-02-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

husband in trouble....please look for him

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him,

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. Thinking of keys to a new car, she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

2008-02-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

'BOUNCED CHECK'

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by an 86 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between
presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been
in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your
bank has become.

From now on I choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at
your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Pos tal
Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,

PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my
computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later
date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait, music noise
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year??

YourHumble Client
Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman
_ _ _ __

2008-02-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

I Thought I was a Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied slowly, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

2008-01-23T07:15:00.000-08:00

Be Careful and on guard!
9 WORDS WOMEN USE....(BEWARE)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.

1. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but it's a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Sleep lightly hide the kitchen utensils.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying 'F**K YOU!!'

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

2008-01-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

2007-12-31T15:47:00.001-08:00

Subject: YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

THIS REALLY REALLY WORKED FOR ME, NO LIE. IT WAS FUN DOING THE MATH ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS NO JOKE AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE. TRY IT AND YOU WILL SEE FOR YOURSELF BUT DON'T CHEAT.
HELEN
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

2007-12-22T12:49:00.000-08:00

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa

Credit for this MASTERPIECE goes to Father Fellow Knee!!!

2007-12-18T21:31:00.001-08:00

REDNECK MAMMA - LAUGH FOR THE DAY

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims,
Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma, sighs having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

â€Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all Boys, all named
Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for
school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I
need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what
if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

2007-12-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

Guess I will not be drinking Starbucks any more.

Recently Marines in
Iraq wrote to Starbucks because they wanted to let
Them know how much
They liked their coffees and to request that they send
Some of it to the
Troops there.

Starbucks replied, telling the Marines thank you for
Their support of
Their business, but that Starbucks does
Not support
The war, nor anyone
In it, and that they would not send the troops their
Brand of coffee.

So as not to offend Starbucks, maybe we should not
Support them by
Buying any of their products! I feel we should get
This out in the
Open. I know this war might not be very popular with
Some folks, but
That doesn't mean we don't support the guys and gals
On the ground fighting
Street-to-street and house-to-house.

If you feel the same as I do then pass this along, or
You can discard it
And no one will ever know.
Thanks very much for your support. I know you'll all
Be there again
When I deploy once more.

Semper Fidelis.

'Sgt. Howard C. Wright
1st Force Recon Co1st Plt

IN MEMORY OF ALL THE TROOPS WHO HAVE DIED SO THAT WE MAY HAVE THE

RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO SUPPORT THEM OR NOT!!!

Personally, I know I have supported Starbucks by getting a Venti Carmel Frappacino almost daily for more than 5 bucks. Come to think of it, I have gained enough weight to think about Starbucks for along time, and it would hurt to start laying off their blingy products.

2007-11-28T22:59:00.000-08:00

A little safety tip for anytime, anywhere, US of A. Happy holidays and be thankful for the good that God placed within you.

Subject: PUT YOUR CAR KEYS BESIDE YOUR BED AT NIGHT
Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents your Dr's office, the check out Girl at the market, everyone you run across.

Sent to me by a friend

Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise
outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the
panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn
will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car
battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time
you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of
this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and
requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most
everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs
down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It
works if you park in your driveway or garage
If your car alarm goes off then someone is trying to break in your house,
odds are the burglar rapist won't stick around...
after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows
to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot.
The alarm can work the same way there.....
This is something that should really be shared with everyone.
Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

P.S. I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is
fantastic.

Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack,
where you can't reach a phone.

My Mom has suggested to my Dad that
he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she
doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll
know there's a problem.

Lex Luthor wishes you another happy year soon to arrive and try your best to find happiness, laughter and a smile. Whatever you do, find a smile and remember it.

2007-11-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

Don't Mess with Texas!! We'll kill ya!

2007-11-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

Something cool that Xerox is doing
If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second.

Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are be hind them...

'In GOD We TRUST'
GOD BLESS AMERICA

2007-11-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

Outsourcing....

I was feeling depressed last week, so I called the mental health help line.
Like all other call centers, it has been outsourced to a third world location.

When I told the operator in Pakistan that I was feeling suicidal,
he got very excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.

2007-11-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Still think he's presidential material????

The fact that he is even in the race says a lot about what we're faced with by the multicultural, liberalization of AMERICA!

2007-11-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

Poodle vs Leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

2007-10-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

OH MY WORD!!!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic

garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20

bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see

if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all

that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs

up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's

a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into

my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a

big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie

through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way,

what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

2007-10-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

Are you One of the 156 Million?

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy..'

2007-10-17T16:52:00.001-07:00

Subject: Little Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very
sad. Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the st reet to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his room and sat, down with a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote his
letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

2007-10-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Spooky, Ain't it?!?

2007-10-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Why Muslims Bomb Themselves - any question?

CLICK ON PICTURE

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.. Let's see now. .. .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

2007-09-28T21:51:00.001-07:00

Aliens leave children!?!

The year was 1947...

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.(inventor of the internet),Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

2007-09-22T11:51:00.001-07:00

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose' s dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :. Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

2007-09-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup, fortunately, came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, again. ! ;
Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

2007-09-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

Do you remember?

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing.

"I've got to ask them what their secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

2007-09-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

How to tell if you're in a gay bar

2007-08-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

God Sends In The Marines

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an ass. So, He sent me."

From "Phil" ........The Night Rider

2007-08-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

Qantas.......

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Â Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Â Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense o f humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in a latitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

2007-08-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Jason Bourne: Behind the Scenes - "Guillermo"

2007-08-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

EVOLUTION OF CONSERVATIVES & LIBERALS

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men".

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals were symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like light beer (sometimes with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals also invented the designated hitter rule because it was not fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives tend to drink micro brew beer. They also eat red meat and still provide
for their women and families.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and forward immediately just for the hell of it.

2007-07-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

A scene you will probably never get to see, so take a moment.

This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest
point.

And, you also see the sun below the moon.
An amazing photo and not one easily duplicated. You may want to pass
it on to others.

The Chinese have a saying that goes something like this:
"When someone shares with you something of value, you have an
obligation to share it with others!"

2007-07-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Political Correctness
defined:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

2007-07-16T08:50:00.001-07:00

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

borrowed from prof

If I had one, the above WOULD APPLY!
:-)

COMING SOON:

2007-07-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

A Doctor friend of the show writes:

in response to Teri b:

in response to "Written by a housewife from New Jersey"

2007-07-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

RegDex, Form D for RBID.com

Before you ever buy any stock, perform your own due diligence. Learn how to find information like this and if you can!!

The following document is what is referred to as a Form D, a RegDex filing: they are filed when a company needs or wants to raise money. It discusses what the money is for and current structure of the company, like ownership, officers, purpose, and more.

It would be REALLY exciting to see the details on the exchange of cash for stock. We already know that the minimum investment is $10,000.00; how much stock does that buy: what are the terms?? A stock promoter named Shakerzzz on the I-Hub Board recently announced that he is being compensated $35,000.00 for "market awareness" or promoting the RBID stock. It is still unsure if Shakerzzz has been paid yet, but I also wonder about the money, the $35,000.00 that has been raised in the Form D. Proceeds from the Form D are earmarked for more than just salaries, bonuses, and working capital; RBID needs money for advertising, promotion and marketing.

Also, by the looks of the 504, the management does not need any money to repay indebtedness since there is no provision. WallSt.net has been hired to promote, advertise RBID for the next 12 months: total cost to date is 50,000,000 restricted shares and nobody knows what the stock will be worth in a year or two.

This FORM D is a gift from Lex Luthor to fellow traders/investors in RBID.com to be viewed in electronic form since Alan Rothman, CEO, would not provide or discuss this "public document" so a paper copy, reg # 07066568(April 26, 2007) has been given to the public at no charge. Perhaps some day the CEO of RBID can explain why an expenditure of less than $5.00( 500 Pennies ) is not warranted for shareholders who have seen the stock price maintain its loss of 81% from last month!

1 of 9
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9

If there are any mistakes or ommissions, please let us know! Leave a comment or just learn from it.

2007-06-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Written by a housewife from New Jersey.

4th of July seems somewhat appropriate.

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or
was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on
September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans,
not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the
Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a
horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was
"desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it
wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in
and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the
Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of
which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry
for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his
gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in
Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own
religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves
up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of
their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that
their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international
law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave
marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this:
I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi
prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college- hazing
incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when
he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take
it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and
a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars,
is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can
absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's
spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you
guessed it-I don't care !!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all
your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people
responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete
button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when
more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great
Country! And may I add:

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they
made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that
problem." -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add
AND.......I hope you forward all this.

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then
we will be a nation gone under." Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the
Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's
Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked
by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he
said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many
want in... And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for
you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

COMING SOON..................

2007-06-22T09:56:00.001-07:00

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her

hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

COMING SOON..................

2007-06-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Rules to Live By
from A. Friend

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,:Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

2007-06-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
by Erma Bombeck

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything! just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love yous" More "I'm sorrys."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . .live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you , who has more, or who's doing what Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about ! what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

sent to me from: a friend

2007-06-05T13:57:00.001-07:00

GREEN DAY PERFORMS Working Class Hero

2007-05-28T17:39:00.001-07:00

CIAO PARA AHORA

2007-05-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

LEX LUTHOR PRESENTS ~~ IS MOVING:

During the next few weeks Lex and crew will be moving on up to a new Broadcast Booth.

Keep up with Lex next door as he continues Taking Over The Web One City At A Time by adding to the coffers. You can benefit by viewing his stock picks: free! ~ which will be announced each Sunday!

Like Spock says, "Live Long and Prosper"

2007-05-21T17:12:00.001-07:00

LEX LUTHOR's NEXT CAR !

Join Lex as he decides to give away stock picks which might wipe out your total investment, or maybe you will make a little as well. Regardless, Lex Luthor will post 2 - 3 stock picks on his BLOG every Sunday, with special situations during the week. We will post our entry point and we will advise when we are selling. All gains/losses will be posted after each trade has been closed out. The information provided by Lex Luthor is free; however, if you become happy with your trades, you can make a donation and become a "Friend of Lex Luthor": get an e-mail when Lex makes a move!

The Veyron is the quickest production car to reach 100 km/h (62 mph) with an estimated time of 2.5 seconds, according to the manufacturer. It reaches 60 mph in approximately 2.46 seconds. It also reaches 200 and 300 km/h (124 and 186 mph) in 7.3 and 16.7 seconds respectively. This makes the Veyron the quickest accelerating production car in history. It also consumes more fuel than any other production car, using 40.4 L/100 km (5.82 mpg) in city driving and 24.1 L/100 km (10 mpg) in combined cycle. At full throttle, it uses more than 125 L/100 km (2.1 mpg), which would empty its 100 L (26.4 gallon) fuel tank in just 12.5 minutes.

2007-05-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

LEX LUTHOR HIATUS This Friday 5/12/07

In other words, Lex Luthor Presents will not be aired this Friday but will return next Friday the 19th. Have a great weekend and let us know how much money YOU made in the market this week!

2007-05-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

MY KINDA GAL!!!!

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass in to the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same one S twice.

God Bless America

2007-05-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Why Most Men Are Republicans

2007-05-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

Finding Information on Penny Stock Companies

Friday, May 4 @ 8:00PM EST learn more about penny stocks: who are "moderators"? How do they operate and where do they come from? Do they have any credentials? Are you going to trust them or even listen to them? If there were not "stock or message boards" you may have a very difficult time learning about these obscure companies.

Learn more about them and what you need to know if you want to improve your chances of making 100 - 1000%! If you want to call in and ask a promoter, dial (646) 915-9622: When the show starts just click THE LISTEN LIVE button. We are also taking e-mail questions: send an e-mail to LexLuthor@ShopFromHomepage.com. Download your free copy 1 hour after taping at this LOCATION.

2007-04-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

ENJOY MORE FROM LEX LUTHOR VIDEOs ~ Iryna Bilyk

Stay tuned for more on the upcoming broadcast on "Lex Luthor Presents", a wholly owned subsidiary of Lex Luthor Radio, LLC.

2007-04-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

Promoting Penny Stocks ~ Friday on Lex Luthor Presents

This Friday, April 27 ~ 7:00PM CT - 8:00PM ET, learn some of the mechanics and dynamics of "stock promotion". Our guest will be, "Bones" of BoonMarket.com who launched his company one year ago this month. He has been involved one way or another in the markets for over 10 years. BoonMarket also shares some insight on companies which have done quite well in the stock market and why his business has done so well.

How exactly are stocks 'presented' to the investment community and how effective are these companies? Most start up or small cap companies that are recommended or advertised do not have the financial ability to bring awareness of their company to the public: so they hire promoters to do the job.

If you are a rookie investor or a professional day trader, you won't want to miss THIS show! If you want to call in and ask a promoter, dial (646) 915-9622: When the show starts just click THE LISTEN LIVE button. We are also taking e-mail questions: send an e-mail to LexLuthor@ShopFromHomepage.com. Download your free copy 1 hour after taping at this LOCATION.

2007-04-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

No Mo CHO! AGREED?!

I don't think I'VE talked about it and I'M not going to!

LEX LUTHOR's Show last Friday was and still is a hit! Keep downloading the archive; if you have a problem with your free copy, just send us an e-mail and we will send you a copy!

support@ShopFromHomepage.com

One of our listeners and readers thought that the following should be aired during this time of horrific news: our editorial and legal department agreed that posting a fans comment is ok:

From the desk of J. Brown:
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.

A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A Houston weatherman says:

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'mint office fo yo FREE shit!"

2007-04-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!

Friday night's episode of "Lex Luthor Presents" discussed technical analysis with Dr. Thomas Carr(Dr. Stoxx); however, due to the influx of e-mails arriving at Lex Luthor Centre, we have decided to furnish the good doctor's e-mail address per his approval. Send your questions and tell him you are ready to start earning 100% + a year on your investments!

support@befriendthetrend.com

Lex Luthor and Dr. Stoxx hope you enjoyed the show! Thanks for listening and accepting the free downloads of our show: you'll need one to retain all of the information!

Lex Luthor Presents Dr. Stoxx, Live on BlogTalkRadio

Friday April 20 at 8:00PM ET, join us for a conversation with Dr. Stoxx; he has been interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, US News and World Report for his insights into trading psychology, and tonight, he will be Lex Luthor's guest. Dr Stoxx has had a series of articles published in Stocks and Commodities Magazine and is the author of the forthcoming book, BEFRIEND THE TREND: Dr. Stoxx's Complete Guide to Online Trading.

Friday night, we will discuss one of the most popular and used methods to choose a stock: be it a Big Board or penny stock. Our guest will discuss some of the tools and discipline that have enabled him to obtain returns of up to 816%.

Last week's guest discussed his own strategy and how he decides which companies he will invest in. Some of these stock purchases can exceed $100,000.00 per venture. Besides getting as much information about a company as possible, there is another technique that traders/investors use and this weeks guest will tell you all about it HERE.

DON'T miss this show if you want to learn more about how others are making money in the stock market! If you want to call in, dial (646) 915-9622: when the show starts just click THE LISTEN LIVE button. We are also taking e-mail questions: send an e-mail to LexLuthor@ShopFromHomepage.com. Find out how the professionals find stocks. Download your free copy 1 hour after taping at this LOCATION.

2007-04-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

9 Months LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if
they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left ME EVERYTHING."

2007-04-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Feel like popping some Viagra?

Pop THIS!

2007-04-08T20:04:00.001-07:00

The "Patton Doctrine" which will resolve the IRAQ + Crisis

Excellent Video: Lex Luthor APPROVED!