The Moment It Hit Me

It has been 8 months since it hit me. What hit me? Where I relocated to.I moved to Tucson 11 months ago and have never been able to find anything near where I live. ShopFromHomepage was created to provide merchants the opportunity to let us know where they are: the site is undergoing construction, so enjoy the entertainment for now!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
acro ss was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, bo th nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of th e fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to
know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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