'BOUNCED CHECK'

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by an 86 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between
presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been
in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your
bank has become.

From now on I choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at
your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Pos tal
Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,

PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my
computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later
date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait, music noise
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year??

YourHumble Client
Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman
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