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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll

try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same .
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe : "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it!"

NOAH TODAY

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln,
1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class,
you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper:
'Fuck the Indians'
''Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks
'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone
said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child
witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was
the American people, November 4th, 2008".