Subject: YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT




THIS REALLY REALLY WORKED FOR ME, NO LIE. IT WAS FUN DOING THE MATH ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS NO JOKE AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE. TRY IT AND YOU WILL SEE FOR YOURSELF BUT DON'T CHEAT.
HELEN
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!


YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5



4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.


6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa

Credit for this MASTERPIECE goes to Father Fellow Knee!!!

REDNECK MAMMA - LAUGH FOR THE DAY

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims,
Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma, sighs having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

”Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all Boys, all named
Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for
school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I
need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what
if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Guess I will not be drinking Starbucks any more.

Recently Marines in
Iraq wrote to Starbucks because they wanted to let
Them know how much
They liked their coffees and to request that they send
Some of it to the
Troops there.

Starbucks replied, telling the Marines thank you for
Their support of
Their business, but that Starbucks does
Not support
The war, nor anyone
In it, and that they would not send the troops their
Brand of coffee.

So as not to offend Starbucks, maybe we should not
Support them by
Buying any of their products! I feel we should get
This out in the
Open. I know this war might not be very popular with
Some folks, but
That doesn't mean we don't support the guys and gals
On the ground fighting
Street-to-street and house-to-house.

If you feel the same as I do then pass this along, or
You can discard it
And no one will ever know.
Thanks very much for your support. I know you'll all
Be there again
When I deploy once more.


Semper Fidelis.

'Sgt. Howard C. Wright
1st Force Recon Co1st Plt


IN MEMORY OF ALL THE TROOPS WHO HAVE DIED SO THAT WE MAY HAVE THE

RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO SUPPORT THEM OR NOT!!!

Personally, I know I have supported Starbucks by getting a Venti Carmel Frappacino almost daily for more than 5 bucks. Come to think of it, I have gained enough weight to think about Starbucks for along time, and it would hurt to start laying off their blingy products.