Best Short Story of 2007!

A three-year-old boy was examining
his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

How to Shower - Man vs Woman

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:


1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you encounter husband, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do : more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower.

15. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

12. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off - Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on her pillow.

husband in trouble....please look for him





Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him,

'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. Thinking of keys to a new car, she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

'BOUNCED CHECK'

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by an 86 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between
presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been
in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your
bank has become.

From now on I choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at
your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Pos tal
Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,

PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my
computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later
date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait, music noise
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year??

YourHumble Client
Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman
_ _ _ __

I Thought I was a Cowboy


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied slowly, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'